


Unsent Letters

by Moshi516



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:55:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moshi516/pseuds/Moshi516
Summary: The stages of grief after a break up
Relationships: Nishikido Ryo/Ohkura Tadayoshi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Unsent Letters

_**Unsent Letters** _




Dear you,

I wonder if at this moment, you have settled your stuff properly in your new home or if you find it all to be too troublesome right now so you just sat on the floor, eating cup yakisoba while watching videos from your phone. Do you feel elated from the sense of freedom or do you feel a sense of loss, pain and loneliness like what I’m feeling now?

I’m walking from rooms to rooms in this house we used to share together. I just came back from my trip with the rest of the members to Fuji Mountain, for the photo shoots of our new 5 members form. And then, I came home to this scenery where there’s absolutely no trace of you left here anymore. On the shoe racks, only my shoes are lined up neatly there. Not that you really use shoe racks in the first place anyway.

The mountains of instant yakisoba are gone from the kitchen’s cabinet. All the biker’s items you hung on our wall in this living room is gone, leaving Yu-kun’s guitar to be the sole item on the wall.

You left all the pictures though.

The room that used to be specifically for your musical instrument is now bare and empty. No more dozens of guitars, piano and your drum sets. No more sheets of music scores all over the table. I walk into the bedroom that used to be ours. I always told you that I prefer separate rooms, but you have managed to convince me that it’d be wonderful if we share the same room back then.

Your side of the closet is empty. Your accessories, your goddamn smelly hair gels, it’s all gone from the table. I walk into the bathroom, and my toothbrush is the only sole toothbrush at the cabinet of the bathroom. And amazingly, within those few days where I’m away from this house, you have managed to erase your smell and scent from this room and house too. It’s like you’ve never been here at all.

But I know you were here. With tears unwillingly flooding my eyes, and flowing on this letter that I’m writing on, memories of you in this house surrounds me. I was searching for any trace of notes from you, for the last time, but there’s none. That is so like you.

…

I’m not sure if I would ever be happy again. I’m not sure if this pain would even lessen and if I would ever feel right again. Tell me, are you happier now? Do you feel the same sense of emptiness that I feel now? Do you really believe that this is the right decision?

2.

Dear you,

I see that you’ve launched your new career immediately after your contract ends. You look great. I’m glad that there’s familiar names that are around you to support you.

So... this is the music that you’ve envisioned.

I support you, I’m cheering you on. But somehow, I wonder why there’s still this sense of pain, anger and betrayal… somehow.

I wonder if there’s time that you feel shadow of us, shadow of me with you? When you look at your drummer, do you sometimes mistaken it for me? Do you have the habit of keep on staring at your current drummer like what you used to do to me?

I sometimes forgot that you have left you know? There’s time and moments when I’m in the dressing room, and there’s something that I need to know, and I accidentally call your name like I used to. Yasu, Maru, Yoko and Hina then turn their heads to me and I know my face went red because I feel the heat. I’m burning with shame and anger at myself. I quickly look down but not before I manage to catch the emotions in their eyes. And I’m surprised with the realization that they feel the same way as me too. It was of various degrees of acceptance but somehow, in a strange sense, I feel comforted by it.

I wanted to say “I’m sorry” but Maru just jumped to sit next to me and asked me what I was reading. I tried to say “I’m sorry” again but Maru pulled me into a bear hug, pushing my face into his chest. I wanted to push him away and say I can’t breathe but I heard him whisper quietly and said, “It’s okay, Tacchon. It’s okay. We’ll learn to go through this together”

And I come to realize that I’m still in my stages of grief. I have been working hard all these whiles. Filling my time with writing songs, Yasu being my partner in crime and which is why some of our stuffs are at each other’s houses. Your side of closet had been filled with some of his clothes. My toothbrush is now accompanied by Yasu’s toothbrush. I’m also planning for the upcoming 47 tour, planning juniors related projects and having my days being filled to the brim with all that, I thought that I’m okay. I thought that I’ve accepted this, but it seems that I’m still halfway there.

If Maru could feel wetness soaking his chest, he didn’t say a thing and just gently pats my hair.

3.

Dear you,

I think this will be the last letter that I’ll be writing for you. It’s been 5 months since you left and we broke up. Back then, during the last two years and the last few months, I thought that I could never be happy again. But now, I know that I was wrong. And I couldn’t be more thankful to be wrong about it.

Somehow, with you moving on with your life, I learn to move on with my life too and I come to realize all over again the things, people that are precious to me. And I learn all over again that there’s a lot of things that I thought I couldn’t do, but, actually I can. I learn all over again the joy of spending time doing simple things with friends and family. I learn and notice all over again that there’s so many people around me that cares about me and wants me to be happy.

I spent more time with the juniors in my private time and their purity gave me the ability to refocus on my own dreams. I learn to dream again. I spend more time with friends like Kitayama and we talk about the past and it no longer cause a throb of hurt in me. He rarely talk about group matters in front of me though. I wonder if he thinks that would hurt me. But the way he invited me out is still as insufferable annoying as ever, haha. Like man, seriously, 50 LINE stamps?! I thought that the constant vibrating of my phones would put a hole in my pocket!

I also hung out at home lot more with Yasu, talking of ideas, reality or abstract things. Sometimes it turns into a project in reality, or into a song or sometimes, it stays as dreams, more and more dreams to realize in the future. I hung out more with Maru too. And somehow, we learn a whole lots more about taking care of each other in these few months and I come to affirm once again, that it is indeed a precious blessing that I get to meet these wonderful people and be in this group.

_“*laugh* Shin-chan, Tacchon fell asleep again!” Yasu laughed as he saw their youngest member curled up asleep under the futon as the three of them and Hina’s dad sat around the futon watching the tv._

_“Let him be. It’s the only holiday he has in a long time. He must have been tired..”_

_“Aww, you mother hen. When he sleeps like that, I feel like we’ve been thrown back to the teen us and I just want to pinch his cheek” Yasu said as he put his chin under his jaws, staring at their sleeping member._

_“Don’t you dare!”_

_…_

_“Hey Yoko, I’ve heard about this sauna that helps to ease exhaustion and all. I received a free entrance ticket from a friend!”_

_“…. What sort of friend do you have to get such things?”_

_“Eh~ an uncle that I met during location shooting! Well, all the best for your filming! Don’t get too tired!”_

_“… You call someone you met once as friend? …...... Thanks”_

_…_

_“Sho-chan! I found this amazing heating pad that works really brilliantly with muscle aches! Here! Give it a try!”_

_“Uwah! Maru-chan, this is indeed amazing! My waist hurts less now! Wait, how do you know?”_

_“Ehehe… I thought you seems uncomfortable when we filmed for chronicle yesterday so I just thought…”_

_“Thank you, Maru-chan! Though, your lips is still gross.”_

_“OI!!!”_

_…_

_“Maru-chan! You worked really hard today! Let’s celebrate by drinking together!”_

_“…Tacchon, I can’t. I should reflect on myself for being late again…”_

_“Come on! Don’t get so down! We’ll figure out on what to do so that this won’t happen again in future!”_

_“Mama-san, I don’t know what utter nonsense Maruyama-san has been saying to Ohkura-san since just now, *laugh*”_

_“Well, it doesn’t matter, does it? The two of them are laughing happily with each other”_

_…_

_“*laugh* He’s crying! He’s crying!”_

_“We’re crying too then! Uwu”_

_“Shut up, you idiots! Who’s crying!”_

_“Let’s wait for him to come down from the stage”_

_“What are you guys doin-!”_

_“Shin-chan, group hugs!!”_

_“HEY! I’m suffocating!!”_

_“Yokocho! You need to hug too!!”_

_“…”_

_“Yokocho needs a hug too!”_

_“Yokocho, group hug!”_

My mom comes to check on me more often too, though I don’t know if I should be okay with that fact with me in my 30s like this. My mom is usually the realistic, no nonsense Osakan mom but these last few months, I come to realize that she’s more worried of me that she lets on. Maybe after my goddamn fall that broke my leg just because I lost my balance earlier this year. And it’s true that I’m still working on having the full strength and function of my leg, I’m still healing and there’s no other food that spells absolute healing in this world other than mom’s food.

And in the past year, I’ve fought with my mom a lot but now, I get to talk to her amicably, lovingly like we used to as we relearn to understand each other again.

I do admit that sometimes, when your name appears on the online news, I do check up on it but now, I genuinely could say that I’m glad that things are working well for you. I’m genuinely glad that you look happier. You’re flying free now and everybody could fully see your potential is shining brightly now. I’m glad of that.

I’ve learned more and more about myself too. We’ve gone through the first tv performance as 5 on tv, first concert as five, first year end music shows as five, first variety shows as five and somehow, it makes us learn that we are more than what we thought. I’ve learned that my range of vocal is broader than what I used to think. There are more things that I can contribute to this group now. My head is full of all sort of projects with the fans.

Sure, there’s time when my heart throb again with pain, nostalgia and what ifs but now, I can laugh again. I can be happy again. I learned that I’m capable of living without you.

So, thank you for everything, I wish you all the happiness in the world and… good bye

And when we meet again, I hope we can meet with a genuine smile for each other’s happiness.

4.

Jin entered the controller room right before the studio room, seeing his friend quietly staring at the tv with smoke curling from the cigarettes on his fingers. Jin heard the sound of familiar stranger resounding from the tv and went to sit next to his friend.

He stared at his friend’s expression in curiosity.

“I always wonder why you feel the need to break up with him since you obviously still do love him? I mean, you can resign from the agency without breaking all the relationships you have with the person there, you know?”

“We’ve been together for so many years. When I come to the conclusion that I need to pursue my dreams, I came to the conclusion that our emotional needs in our relationship is too different and irreconcilable.”

The sound of a familiar laughter from the tv fills the room and Jin turned his eyes to the man on the tv. He looks good compared to the last time he saw him on online news. He’s shining, confident and looks genuinely happy.

“I want everything of him. I don’t know how to share him with others and in turn, I’m tearing him apart, turning him into a shadow of himself. I come to hate myself too, for making him turn that way, for my own needs and desire.”

“Did you ever think that it was the wrong decision?”

“There’s time that I think and feel that way but now…” a smile form on Ryo’s lips as he stares at the smile of the person on the tv. “I think this is indeed the right thing to do. I love him and he loves me, but I can only learn to re-love myself when I’m no longer with him and he learn to shine when he’s no longer with me. We’re not meant to be together but that’s okay.”

Ryo picked the remote control on the table, “This time, it’s a real goodbye and I wish him all the happiness in the world”

And the screen turns black.

END

_もしも僕じゃない_

_誰かと君が_ _幸せになる時が訪れても_

_どこかで願っているよ_

_君が笑顔でいられますように_

_Even if it's not with me  
If the day come where you can finally be happy  
Somewhere, I'll be praying  
For your smile_

_(Okaeri(Welcome Home)-Takahashi Yu)_

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Kanjani8 becoming 5, Marriage Story Movie and talking to a friend who is a marriage counselor who said that a lot of divorce occurs from the fact that the partner have very different emotional needs from each other.


End file.
